Most days the idea of having my own children terrifies me.
I can barely tie my shoes.
I spend Saturday mornings lounging on the couch until 11 a.m. — or later.
Sometimes I yawn in church. And chew gum.
Sorry, Dad.
I watch Sopranos marathons for hours and then ask my husband if Tony is real because, I just know, he must be. He has to be.
I watch mindless shows like Jersey Shore too.
No shame here, Dad — I know you watch it too.
I don’t water my flowers.
I don’t clean out the refrigerator.
Laundry is more of a suggestion than a chore.
And just yesterday I reached for a can of cooking spray and grabbed Raid instead — yes, Raid, the insect killer. I nearly sprayed chicken tenders with poison. Yum.
Sometimes I have ice cream for dinner. I nap — deeply. Can I still nap if I have a child? Like really nap, not the 15-minute doze that leaves you wishing you’d stayed in bed.
I stay in my pajamas until 8 p.m. Some days that means hot, sexy college XXL sweatpants. Lucky Mr. How Sweet, right? You can’t have it all.
But what worries me most — what keeps me up at night — is probably the vegetables thing.
Do I really have to eat vegetables? I’m not convinced I’ll ever love anything enough to willingly eat a stalk of broccoli.
The whole balanced-meal conversation? Snooze. No more caramel and bacon for dinner, I suppose. Woe is me.
When the time comes — and it will; I probably deserve a smart-mouthed kid who screams at me in a dressing room someday — I imagine I’ll be making simple, comforting meals like this one.
Boil water. Dump in pasta. Sauté onions. Add mushrooms. Add wine (lots of it). Add cream. Dinner in about 15 minutes.
Creamy Mushroom Gnocchi
serves 2
1 pound whole wheat gnocchi
1 tablespoon olive oil
1/2 onion, chopped
1 garlic clove, minced
2 cups mushrooms, chopped
1/3 cup white wine
1/2 cup heavy (or light) cream
1/4 cup freshly shaved Parmesan cheese, plus more for topping
Fresh parsley for garnish
Salt and pepper
Heat a skillet over medium and add the olive oil. Add the chopped onion with a pinch of salt and pepper and sauté until soft, about 5–6 minutes. Meanwhile, cook the gnocchi according to package directions.
When the onions are translucent, add the garlic, then the mushrooms. Cook until the mushrooms are tender, about 5 minutes.
Pour in the wine and let it reduce for 2–3 minutes. Stir in the cream, then remove the pan from the heat and stir in the Parmesan. Add the cooked gnocchi to the sauce and toss to coat. Serve topped with chopped parsley and extra Parmesan.
One last, crucial step I almost skipped: drink the wine. Plenty of it.