Okay, people. I’m officially calling 2012 the year of recipe disasters. It was a rough one.
2010 was… whatever.
2011 was kind of rough.
This year? Ouch.
I had more failed recipes come out of my kitchen in the last 12 months than ever before. Maybe it was because I’ve gotten more comfortable — you know, the “I don’t have to measure anything ever” approach — or because I got overly ambitious and wanted to try new things. Probably both. And sure, some failures were born of laziness, desperation, or plain hunger.
Some weeks it felt like I made four or five disasters in a row. Do you want to hear about them? Probably not. Too bad — I’m telling you anyway.
In January I attempted a chocolate peanut butter sheet cake. It was awful — almost no flavor, and I think I burned the peanut butter while melting it and used it anyway. Have you ever tasted burnt peanut butter? Don’t. Still, I attacked that cake with a fork a few times. I live a sad life.
Moving on.
I made some kind of chicken in a green-chili sauce that looked and tasted absolutely horrific. I had no idea what I was doing — truly terrible. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. Well, maybe on my worst enemy.
In the spring I went on a serious blue corn chip kick. If that sounds like everyday behavior for me, you’re right. I was so obsessed I put blue corn into everything.
Example #1: blue corn cakes. They were not good — pretty hideous, actually. I also made blueberry butter using frozen berries because I was lazy; the result was a separated dark purple mess. Awesome.
Example #2: blue corn chip–crusted chicken fingers. Not nearly as tasty as I hoped. I was aiming for something as great as a salt-and-vinegar crusted fish I’d made before, but this fell flat. Also, the pictures of bluish-purple-brownish chicken were totally unappealing.
Apparently failures came in twos this year. Or I was just super forgetful. Probably the latter.
I tried lavender cinnamon rolls with chocolate ganache and they were a disaster. It wasn’t the lavender-chocolate combo that bothered me — that can be great — it was the whole wheat cinnamon roll base. Certain things should not be made with whole wheat flour; cinnamon rolls are one of them.
Not learning my lesson, I later made whole wheat apple cider cinnamon rolls. The photos you see are from the third failed batch.
What’s the definition of insanity? My picture will probably be right underneath.
Here’s how not to cook shrimp:
Don’t try to make a lightened-up sweet-and-sour shrimp and end up with rubbery pieces that only taste of soy sauce and vinegar. This shrimp tasted like it had taken a six-hour vinegar bath. I hated it.
This mango coconut chicken looked promising but was extremely bland and covered in an unappetizing electric yellow mango sauce. It was acidic and unbalanced — sounded good, but in practice, no.
Want a glimpse of what my life looks like most weeks?
Yeah. That.
Sometimes things turn out okay-ish, or at least edible.
In September I made chocolate cupcakes and one of the worst pumpkin buttercreams I’ve seen. My decorating skills were also pathetic — I still lack patience.
Remember when I made glazed donut holes I loved? The first batch looked like little lumps of coal, but they were tasty enough.
Two nights ago I tried to recreate my grandmother’s orange cookies at midnight. That attempt didn’t turn out at all — they weren’t cookies.
So yeah — that’s probably about an eighth of the disasters that came out of my kitchen this year. These are some of my favorites — at least the ones I photographed instead of throwing a tantrum and tossing the tray. Even when I was in full meltdown mode, looking back I appreciate these failures because I assume I learned something from them. Right? That sounds mature. Or old. Maybe I’m growing up. I hope not.
Here’s to more patience in 2013.