I’m pretty sure 2014 is off to a fantastic start, because I’ve somehow gotten very good at math.

For example: eat two bowls of this soup, multiply that by the number of steps from the stove to the table, and you’ve earned that many cookies. Divide the spoonfuls you sneaked from the pot while cooking by the approximate number of red chili flakes in the pot, and that’s how many seconds you should run tomorrow to burn off said cookies. Spoiler: it’s not that many. Welcome to Jessica math.
The square root of the number of little pasta pieces in your bowl? That equals the number of cocktails you’re allowed while preparing the meal.